When Did Your Trauma Start?

I came across a post that said "what happened to you when you were six years old that you've been healing from?" I thought to myself: that's so interesting. Why six? I don't think anything significant happened when I was that age... OH MY GOD! I did have a traumatic experience when I was around 6. I actually think about it all the time. The more I thought about it I see how it affects me even to this day. It actually makes a lot of sense as to why I approach relationships with men the way I do.

Let's start at the beginning... I am the eldest daughter of Guyanese immigrant parents. My parents came to America via Brooklyn NY in 1985, with my younger brother and I in tow. I started kindergarten and I had a difficult time fitting in. I was extremely thin and the only thing thick about me was my rich Guyanese accent. The other kids spent a lot of time pointing out both things so I mostly kept to myself. I had one friend. His name was Joel. All I remember is that he was of Haitian descent. Given my track record with men this should come to no surprise to those who know me. Anyhow, Joel was my guy. We would sit together in class and put our cots together for nap time, we shared snacks. He was my first real friend, or so I thought. One day as we were being dismissed I ran to say goodbye to Joel and he turned around and punched me in my stomach. He might as well have stabbed me in my heart. My friend, my first friend had just hit me. That wasn't all. He had hit me in front of my father who was picking em up from school. And my father didn't defend me. He just took my me home in tears to my mother. My dad doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body. He's 6'4'' and 300 lbs of love. He wouldn't hurt a fly. I get all my power and passion from my mother. She doesn't play at all. Big T is the physical version of the statement "do something safe." Had it been her day to pick me up, this story would be about how I witnessed my mother turn a child into a shot-put. My mother is a fierce defender of her children and those she loves. You will never have to question her loyalty. My mother would've made sure I felt safe and defended in that moment. I've told her this story a few times. It really bothered me and I think it left me scarred. Being betrayed by friends and not feeling protected by men in my life is a constant thread that has followed me through the years. In my experience I have found that women will rush to the defense of people way more than men and I am sure there are significant factors that impact that reaction but it still sucks. I don't find that a lot of men are protective and if anything they will prioritize their own safety over women. I have one guy friend that constantly reassures me that he has no problem doing whatever to whomever to protect me. I believe him like 70%. Theres no one else I trust even a little bit. But yea that's my 6 year old trauma that I have no idea how to begin healing. I don't trust friends that I share my things with to not betray me and I don't trust men to defend my honor should I need it. At least I got my momma!

I am not sure if this will resonate with anyone but its worth talking to your 6 year old self to find out what's influencing you today. Talk soon. Love yall! Oh & Joel... It's never over. You will pay!!!